I have been into several "relationships". Although they didn't last, it was hell of an experience. I loved the feeling of being "in love". It was something nice to hold on to. It kept me grounded in a way. I didn't float off to some unknown place, but it was something that kept me here. It kept me going. I loved every feeling, every moment. Having those mornings where you just lay in bed, thinking about that special someone. Remembering certain smells; the smell of his hair, his forehead, his perfume, even his lips. The way your body tingles when his skin is against your skin. Even with just one touch, it'll send fireworks down your spine. Having someone to text you almost every minute. It doesn't matter if you run out of things to talk about; one way or another you'll do everything in your power to make him talk, just to hear the sound of his voice. I loved how you can be comfortable around him and you'd never have the feeling that you have to impress him, because you'll always be enough.
But, I hated the fights. I hated the complications. And back then, there were a lot of complications. Let me just say that I wasn't really anyone's girlfriend before. I was just...the girl who turned out to care about this guy. I cared too much. I also hurt back then. I was always the second choice. In this story, I was the option.
Some of these happened during summer. That's why, I always tell myself that summer is the best time to fall in love. Because, I know myself well enough that I love summer romance. Not just for myself, but from everyone. I like hearing my friends' stories about this guy they met at the beach or something. How they walked by the sea, etc. But, the thing I don't like about summer is that it ends. It ends too soon. And when it ends...so does the romance.
So, anyway. I'd like to start with summer of '07. I was fourteen.
That summer, I spent it with a friend of my mom's. We called her Honey. I won't give her real name, otherwise. She was in her 20's. A lot younger than my mother. I was in Manila that time, under her care. She made a promise to my mother that she would show me a good time and that she'd let me stay at her place. We both went to the MYX Awards because she had a close friend from Myx Magazine and he got us in easily. I was still a fangirl back then. I loved seeing gigs or concerts, not the same as I do today. I was juvenile. We had a swell time, we hung out with singers, guitarists, and other local bands. Some of them even recognized me from before, so it was like hanging out with friends. It was about dawn when we headed back home to Honey's condo. We were hella tired. We slept in our outfits and we didn't even bother taking our make-up off.
I woke up because I heard another person in the room. I slightly opened my eyes. I saw this lanky guy standing in the middle of the room, looking for something. Then he turned around and he saw me, I pretended to sleep.
When Honey was awake, she told me that that was her youngest brother. They called him, Judge (I'm not even going to elaborate why that was his nickname). That day, we were heading to the mall. So after breakfast, she said she had to pass by the gym they had in the condo. When we got there, Judge was working out. In my mind I was going crazy saying stuff like, "He'ssocutehe'ssocutehe'ssocutehe'ssocute".
Skipping to the good stuff...
Well, Judge and I got closer. He was 18 and he was studying in San Beda. We went to Trinoma (it was still new), always. We just walked and talked. We'd have shakes together. In taxi cabs on the way home, he would let me sleep on his shoulder. We knew we liked each other, but we would never admit it. Even to ourselves.
Ah, the catch. He had a girlfriend. And, I loathed her. I loathed her because he talked about her all the time. I knew he was just trying to make me jealous. He showed me pictures of her and I cringed (honestly, the woman wasn't good looking at all). When they talked on the phone, he'd make sure I was in the room just to piss me off. But nonetheless, he was still flirting with me. I got confused. I wanted to make him stop, but I liked him too much. We would lie side by side on their couch watching MTv. He liked to play with my hair. At breakfast, he would sit next to me and put food on my plate when he knew I was still groggy. He'd take the hair off of my eyes. He watched me sleep. It was...lovely. But like I said, it didn't last long. We fought a lot about his girlfriend. I didn't want to ask him what we "were" because I didn't want to know.
Sometime that summer, I had to leave. I had to stay at my dad's. That night, he walked me to the door with my baggage with him. He told me he'd miss me. I didn't want to respond, but I knew deep inside I would miss him more. He leaned over and kissed me. It wasn't a long kiss, it was just a kiss. It was our first and last kiss.
This year, I heard he had a new girlfriend. He got her pregnant. And at the back of my mind, I told myself that I was sort of thankful that we didn't end up together. But, no regrets. What we had was nice, while it lasted.
After that summer, came another summer.
I was at my grandmother's. And I was helping out with her sari-sari store. That's when I met, Erick. He was buying load from our store, and fortunately I was there handling the load. When he left, I got his number that he wrote down on the log (Hehehe). I texted him the next day and he asked who I was, blah. We texted each other for days. We were neighbors and when we thought it was about time that we talked in person, it was on a starry night. I remembered that night because my cousin constantly reminds me about it til' this day. She said it was probably the lamest way to start a conversation. Anyway I said, "Andaming stars ngayon, no?" Forgive me for my lame self, I was young. So after that night, we kept on seeing each other. We'd stay up til' dawn and just talk about the silliest things. And when we headed to our homes after, we would still chat on Y!M. As if spending the whole day together wasn't enough. He had summer classes and I had to wait for him to get home all the time. When he went home drunk, I was there to help him get in their house. We kissed each other only on the cheek when no one was looking. We called each other "T.P" for tampururot. One night, he admitted that he was falling for me. And I said I totally felt the same way. But of course, there was a "but".
Ah, another catch. He had a girlfriend. Yes, I know. I was totally unlucky when it came to guys.
His girlfriend was nice though. She wanted to meet me, but I of course wouldn't. I didn't want to see her, in fear of ripping her hair out. When she came over to their house, I would stay in my room for the rest of the day. I moped a lot. I got cranky.
Summer ended, and I had to go back to my province. It was one of my saddest summers. I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to leave him. But, it ended anyway.
We're still close friends. I was just with him the other day when I visited my cousins. We talked, we reminisced about that summer. He told me he was moving out of the country to work. It saddened me a little, but I didn't tell him nor did I show it. I want him to remember me as a happy person. That was probably the last night I'll ever see him again.
I think the next story I'm about to tell is one of the reasons why I am where I am right now. It's the story of my life I always remember. Maybe it's because it's the one that hurt the most. My stat on facebook right now is, "It's when you remember a lot. That's when it hurts." Something, I invented on my own. Like most stories, this has its ups and its downs.
I was in 1st year college. Some of my exciting experiences was being a freshman in college, moving to Manila, and meeting...Keso.
We met through facebook, we chatted for a while then we exchanged each other's numbers. Like the previous stories, we got really close. He was charming, really funny, and really good-looking. He was a great photographer. I fell for him instantly. But, he was a LOT older than I was. He had a girlfriend (yes, I know. I told you I was malas), but he joked about me stealing him away from her. He called me Mac and I called him Keso, like Mac&Cheese. Soon enough, he started showing his feelings for me. We went out once, we kissed. It was the most magical thing ever. It was in his car. I remember the smell of his car, the smell of the leather seats, and the taste of Cerealicious on his lips (we had Cerealicious earlier). We had to keep our relationship a secret. Well, because...y'know. He was way beyond my age and he was in a current relationship. He visited me at my house, he visited me at school, he met my friends, we texted almost every time, we exchanged "I love you"s, and he spent Friday nights with me because that was the day that I didn't have classes in the morning. One time, he came over my house and surprised me with a baby turtle. I named her Friday, because it was our favorite day of the week. Our "relationship" lasted for a very long time. He wanted me and I wanted him. Until, I got tired.
I got tired of being alone on days when he went out with his girlfriend. I got tired of being the second girl in his life. When we'd see each other, then separate I would be sad. Because I knew, at the end of the day he would still belong to her. He would be in someone else's arms. He told me he wanted to be with me, but he never really did anything to make that happen. I wanted it to happen. As bad as it sounds, I didn't care if I was being a mang-aagaw ng boyfriend. I just wanted to be with him. And when you want to be with somebody, you go out of your way to prove it. But, he didn't.
I was mentally and emotionally stressed. I hurt a lot, but I never really let him know or show him. I was afraid to pressure him. I thought he would leave me if I did. During those times, that's when I met Joseph. That's when I started feeling like I was done with what Keso and I had. I knew it had to end. I was in a way, stronger. Because then, I knew what I truly wanted: I wanted to be truly happy. I really loved him, that's for sure. It was a real kind of love. I gave it my all, he did his part. But if I wanted to be happy, I'd stand up for what I believed in. That no girl should be a second choice. No girl should ever be an option, a second opinion, a person for someone to fall on. I wanted to be the only girl in someone else's life.
I know that some of you think that these men are in a way, bad. But, don't think that. I know they sort of cheated on their girlfriends, but believe me. Because of them, I learned a lot of lessons no one else could teach me. They taught me how to love. And when I mean love, I mean to love in a way that you look past all their flaws even if it is---having a girlfriend. I became more sensitive towards things, I felt what no other people could feel in real relationships, I have become stronger emotionally, I fell flat on my face a few times but I learned to pick myself up and started following the pace. Loving IS unconditional. I fully understand that now. These men have made such an impact in my life. I know that because of them, I am where I am right now. I have felt every possible feeling just by being with them. And I really am grateful for every moment they shared with me. Ladies, not all men are bad. Sometimes, they really just can't help themselves. We will never understand them, their thoughts, why they do what they do. I was probably wrong to be with guys with girlfriends, but I was young. All I cared about was having someone to love. Because once you found love and you lost it, you'll go looking for it again. What did I know? All I know is that, it was great while it lasted. No regrets. Why should I have regrets? No time was wasted. We had fun, we felt. The chapter ended, but the story will live on.
It took me a few wrong turns, some bumpy roads, and a few scratches before I turned up to the greatest path of all---my Joseph. He has the biggest story of them all.
We have been together for a year and 5 months now. I consider him as my first real boyfriend. He has everything I have always been looking for. I really don't want to sound biased but he really is the ideal boyfriend. He loves me for who I am, whether I gained a few pounds or I magically turn into a guy. One time, we couldn't find my driver in school and he volunteered to search the whole campus for him...under the scorching heat. And remember that UST is a really huge place to look for one single person. He's so funny he doesn't even have to try. He cares about me more than anything else and he always reminds me that I am beautiful. No matter what I say. His hugs are so real, I can't even breathe. His kisses are the best. He likes staring at me when I'm not looking (I know this 'cause I caught him a few times). He's the sweetest and most interesting person I know. He's such a goofball; we both are. We can be goofballs together and it wouldn't be in the least bit awkward. He's my bestfriend. We share everything together. He keeps me sane. And I love him more and more. You have no idea how much I love him.
So, ladies and gents. The moral of the story is that you may be hurting right now, but sometime in the end we all have our happy ending. It may not be right away, but waiting is surely not going to get what you want. You also have to search; not for a Prince, but for a real man. Moving on and heading to the right path will get you places. If you take a wrong turn, don't go back. Take risks. Head straight for it, fight battles. Fight hard. Get lost. It's one way to learn. And you'll see, at the end of the road you'll find what you've always been searching for. You'll have what you've always been looking for. True story.
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