Monday, May 30, 2011

Maybe Americans are just not that into Cheryl Cole | Lindy West

The notion that Cole's accent caused her to be dropped from the US X Factor overplays the importance Americans attach to regional speech

Hello, friends. It has been brought to my attention that something called "Cheryl Cole" has been dismissed from the American version of something called "The X Factor" and replaced with something called "Nicole Scherzinger". I gather that this dismissal is of interest to humans, because when my editor pitched this story to me he referred to it as the "Cheryl Cole situation" and assured me, rather conspiratorially, that he knew I would have "plenty to say." Moreover, it has been suggested, it was Cole's heavy northern accent that got her summarily kicked out of America forever ? and could I please comment on that? How do Americans feel about various regional British accents, and which vowel combinations should savvy Brits choose in order to avoid deportation in the future?

Well, do not fret. I can answer these questions, although I was not up to speed on Cherylgate, because I mostly just watch shows about animal attacks and paternity tests (my apologies). But I have since done extensive internet research on Cole's hair (puffy) and speech patterns (adorable). I have also done tens of minutes of deep American soul-searching on the topic of non-American accents. I am pleased to present my findings to you.

1. Americans love British accents. All of them. For confirmation, feel free to interview the underpants ? or as you so economically call them, "pants" ? of any British person who has ever visited the United States. That is, if you can find said pants, as they have most likely been stolen and chewed to bits in a fit of untamed American carnality. Seriously, my friend British Paul (we call him British Paul because he's British and his name is Paul) will not shut up about it. He has to buy new pants once a week. It's gross, actually.

2. Cole's accent is striking, but I doubt you could find many Americans who could articulate why. You might find a few, however, who think that she really doesn't do a very good British accent, and she ought take some lessons from Natalie Portman or Madonna. Sigh.

3. Most Americans have no idea that regional British accents exist. There's mainly just British (you) and not-British (us). Canadians exist too, but we do not speak of them. Honestly, we are not entirely sure that you are not Australian (and if you say the word "kangaroo" we're sunk). During college I studied abroad in Brighton, and it took me the entire term to figure out why everyone was making fun of the northern kids. The differences in speech just weren't noticeable to me. Not to mention the fact that you have specific accents for specific villages that are 20 feet apart, and the whole thing is a part of a broader symbolic language that has implications about class and history and values? Believe me, America has no grasp of any of that. Our number one favourite British person is Dick van Dyke. We can maybe tell the difference between the world's poshest duchess and the world's Cockney-ist chimney sweep, but that's about it.

4. What I'm trying to say is that maybe? just maybe? they fired Cheryl Cole because she is kind of? how to put this kindly? an idiot? An adorable idiot, definitely, but we have no shortage of those. That would be like Mexico importing tacos, or Russia importing vaguely menacing dudes in tracksuits. I'm sorry, Cheryl ? really, I am. I do think you're adorable. But on the upside: if they ever let you back into the country, you can definitely get laid here. Bring extra pants.


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Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/may/30/cheryl-cole-x-factor

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